Circuit Jerk

Back in 2000, there was a game that ruled computer multiplayer. This game was called Unreal Tournament. Gamers flipped out and pulled Tickle Me Elmo-esque stunts to get their grubby little hands on a copy of an Unreal CD-ROM.

I too enjoyed the Unreal games, so a few drunk weekends ago when I had credit card information saved in Amazon, Unreal Tournament 3 seemed like a great idea. I ignored thousands of reviewers protests of anyone buying this game. Everyone said “It’s a horrible game but a great engine. Just stick with Gears of War to get the most out of it.”

What the hell do they know? Really!

Turns out, for once, they really knew a whole hell of a lot.

This game is just about worthless as far as current shooters go. I suppose playing it on the PC with heavily modded game play could be fun, but why do that when you could play Team Fortress 2 or Counterstrike?

Onto reasons why this game isn’t good: First, its about the blandest bland game that was ever bland. The guns all feel like squirt guns. You don’t kill people, you BLAM! them. BLAM BLAM! Even when you score a particularly sweet headshot, you sort of shrug.

The AI tends to play like a bunch of Halo bunny hoppers. If any of you have ever heard or read about my thoughts on Halo you know how absolutely pissed I get at these tactics.

The maps could be fun… if the game had Call of Duty physics and guns. They are well designed, but with the blandness of the gameplay and weapondry you don’t care. “Oh great, this one is sort of Asian themed. Yay. ” That’s right, this game is so boring it forced me to use an emoticon in a review. Does it feel good Unreal? Are you happy?

You have typical shotguns, rifles, some sort of green goo distributor, rocket launcher, and some purply shooting thing. With those few weapons classes you run around in a circle for a half hour a match “blaming” each other until one team gets the required amount of points to move on. Don’t get me started with how frustrating it is to lose by only two kills and then have to do the whole thing over again.

I heard the vehicles in the game are pretty sweet. I just couldn’t stomach getting that far.

I bought this game for $10 and felt ripped off. I didn’t even feel ripped off by Too Human, but this game, yes. Don’t buy it. Don’t rent it. Only play it if Steam offers another free weekend. Just appreciate the engine that was created for it and leave it at that.